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Therapy in Orange County.
Joining a family is a tricky thing. You worry that you’ll be forever stuck on the outside, looking in. So, you want to please your husband and his children as best possible, solidify your role in the family, and bring stability into your life. If you’re particularly ambitious, you may even be out to heal your new family’s past wounds inflicted by the divorce or ex-wife.
You’re compelled to win everyone over. You won’t settle for “Step-Mom.” “No, call me ‘Super-Mom!’”
There are just a few teensy things in the way.
You’re uncomfortable knowing your husband loved and had a life with another woman, and fear his emotional divorce with his ex-wife is incomplete. After all, if it is, she has power over him. Even worse, she has power over you. Your privacy feels compromised because of the possibility that Big Mother Is Watching You through her junior spies.
It’s all very disconcerting. So disconcerting, in fact, that you may imperil your marriage by making these dire mistakes.
You take control, to be sure your husband’s ex doesn’t manipulate him into doing things that make life easier for her at the expense of your marriage and well-being.
Micromanaging his communication with her damages your marriage. He’ll be angry and resent your lack of faith and feel suffocated by your insecurities. He’ll also feel you’re questioning his competence and adequacy at co-parenting. His resultant frustration with you also sends a negative message to children in your family: they see a troubled couple instead of a unified team.
Trust him and communicate early, transparently, and empathetically. Iron out issues that are important to you with your husband early on, so that he’ll know where you stand on parenting decisions before they come up with his ex. If he’s uncertain about arrangements and time allows, ask him to run it by you before finalizing a decision with his ex wife. Mutual decision may feel a little cumbersome at times, but it’s essential for meaningful, happy relationships.
You issue these orders, because you know what’s best for the kids better than their mother.
You often get the opposite of what you asked for.
Additionally, your step-children become miserable and impact your marriage. Out of the blue, some woman their dad fancies shows up and condescendingly says she knows better than the mother that’s been working out just fine for them thus far. Having followed their biological mother’s rules, they feel attacked too, and grow distant and upset. As they lash out and resist visitation, your husband will be irritated at you for having provoked them, and may withdraw physically and emotionally.
Don’t share your frustrations over the biological mother with her or the kids. Work things out amongst the adults. Let your husband bear news of issues or changes that need to be made, especially during the first years of the marriage, before bonds of trust are established between you and your step-children.
You refer to your home the “real home,” because you and your husband are “better” parents.
You put yourself in direct competition with the BM by saying that their bio mom doesn’t spend enough time with them, is unstable, or doesn’t perform motherly activities. Expecting your step-children to equate your role with hers puts you in a frustrating, no-win situation. Your step-children will be angry and they’ll resent you and possibly your husband for introducing you into their lives.
Apologize, stop putting the bio mom down, and accept that both homes are important to the children.
Embrace the differences between you and your step-children’s biological mother. They have a bond and a history that you will never share. It’s up to you to create your own with your step-children that will be different from what they share with their mother, not better or worse.
You call your step-kids’ biological mom out directly or complain about her parenting decisions in front of your step-kids.
Your step-children’s cooperation, their bond with you, and their well-being are put at stake when you do this. Life will be difficult. Why?
Your step-kids’ BM will be pissed. She’ll tell them to stop accepting your authority. She may try to alienate you from her kids. It might work.
The children are very protective of their mother and feel it’s their duty to defend her. They’ll be rude and uncooperative because you hurt their bio mom. They’ll also be withdrawn, shying away from family activities, possibly staying in their rooms. Their loyalty to her will also tug opposite their loyalty to you, making it take longer to bond.
Disengage. Let your husband co-parent with his ex. Apologize to the bio-mom for overstepping your boundaries and giving unsolicited feedback. In a perfect world, you have a good relationship with her, but it can be hard. Try, if you can, to at least be on neutral, cordial terms. Even that much is a big benefit to you and your step-kids.
You forbid your kids from ever talking about their biological mother or keeping a picture of her on display.
Your step-children and their bond with you are under fire again. Children, especially before they’re in their teens, see themselves as extensions of their parents. Your rejection of their mother will be seen as a rejection of themselves, leaving them upset, guarded, and withdrawn.
Forbidding your step-children from talking about their biological mother also endangers them. If they have problems they need help with, they’ll be reluctant to approach you or their father, because it’ll validate your position that their bio mom is a bad, incompetent mother.
It also makes it harder for them to transition between households. Kids like sharing what goes on in their lives with their parents. Having to stifle themselves and hide a significant part of their lives burdens them with anxiety. Feeling that something is wrong with their lives and selves also creates a sense of shame, which damages their self-confidence and stunts their emotional development.
Let your husband set the boundaries for what’s allowed in the home. Allowing the children some transitional items provides them with continuity that makes it easier to move between homes. Something like a picture in their bedroom or an old article of their mother’s clothing can function like a security blanket.
Your main motivation for undermining your step-children’s biological mother stems from insecurity about the relationship he had with her. Focusing on your marriage with sensitivity and kindness will help dispel that insecurity, whereas focusing on his ex-wife just sidetracks you and introduces new problems.
You bond with your step-children much faster by not getting between them and their mother. You’ll also be saving them, your husband, and yourself a lot of pain and frustration. Collaborating with your husband and letting him mediate, helps the whole family live happier lives.
© Yaffa Balsam 2005-2025
You have compiled a very nice list but it is very saintly to be honest. I think I could fallow these steps but I am not sure I could ever apologize to the bio-mom who treats her son more like a part of a collection than a little boy. I don't complain that much in front of my stepson but he knows I am sure about how I feel when 10 people and 4 animals are living in a single wide 3 bedroom trailer. That is where he is 9 months out of the year. I can be kind without placing her on a pedestal. She isn't mother of the year or even a very nice mother but I have learned to accept that he will always see her as the mom even if she doesn't act like one. He will always see me as not the mom, but that he can still love me in his own way. I am still learning not to drive my husband crazy with negative comments about her~slowly I am getting better~slowly.
Well, since you're not saying anything in front of your step-son or directly to the mother, there's no need to apologize.
Your stepson's living conditions with his bio-mom sound rather challenging. I'm sure the powerlessness you and your husband are enduring is unnerving. I'm sad to hear that you have to go through that.
On the up-side, you sound like a very caring and conscientious woman. Your step-son will connect to you that much faster for it. He'll also thank for making he feel loved and safe while growing up, down the line.
I had a somewhat similar experience with my stepdaughters. Their mother made them feel very anxious. "Mother" wasn't an especially endearing title to them.
However, they really enjoyed having a stepmom that was caring and advocated for them. Even though you're not necessarily "mother," you can still be a very meaningful anchor in your step-son's life, especially when he feels like you're in his corner, helping fight for him.
I disagree with numbers 2 & 4.
#2 — In our home it's "our house our rules/her house her rules" We acknowledge that he's maybe allowed to do things at her house that we do not allow. However we feel that a) it's not fair to expect our children to follow our rules & my stepson having a completely different set of rules. b) it's not fair to us to enforce rules we disagree with or not enforce our rules because SHE disagrees with them. And finally c) it's not fair to my stepson to not be taught that different places have different rules of behavior.
#4 — We explain when we disagree with BM's parenting. We do this not by belittling her, but explaining WHY we disagree with the rules. For example, she allows him (he's 11) to have a cell phone (he has had it since he was 9). When he is here, we explain why we disapprove of a child his age having a cell phone and require him to shut it off and give it to his father to be put up until he returns to BM. We have found this really helps with the whole "our house, our rules" situation.
It sounds to me that you and your husband are doing an excellent job setting boundaries between the two households.
Regarding #2
I agree with you on "our house, our rules; her house, her rules." That is actually what I meant to convey in the article, as opposed to expecting the children to accept your rules as the only rules.
I emphasize the team work between the couple. It is very important to present a united front to the children and the bio-mom. It's usually helpful if the dad communicates the rules to the children after the couple has decided upon them together.
Regarding #4
My emphasis is that the couple needs to jointly make a decision and ideally it needs to be communicated by the bio-dad. Stepmom is part of the team, just not its voice. The children will be more open, and less defensive to hear feelings, opinions, and concerns expressed by their dad rather than from a stepmom, especially during the marriage's first couple of years.
#1 doesn't make any sense either. My husband and I make the decisions that concern and affect us, our household, our plans, and ability to make plans. I expect to be consulted EVERY time a decision is to be made and every time there is a change in the plans, not just when he or BM thinks it is convenient or "time allows". I will not tolerate being taken for granted or taken advantage of. Let my husband set the boundaries?!?!?!
And like Teri K. Dunlap stated, I have my own rules in my own household that are to respected by all the children who cross my threshold, my children, my stepchildren, nieces & nephews, neighbor children, and any other visitors. How do you figure it is supposed to matter to me what the parents of all these children do or do not allow? My house, my rules. Simple as that. Let my husband set the boundaries?!?!?!
Are you nuts?! You are encouraging second wives to be doormats. There is plenty enough of that going around. Let my husband set the boundaries?!?!?! There freaking won't be any! And I will be disrespected and walked over. You have no idea what you are talking about.
I’m sorry that you interpreted my writing that way and were upset by it.
Throughout the article I emphasize the importance of a united couple. I actually see more agreement than disagreement between us.
I recommended that father delivers the results of joint decision-making to the children. I say this because the children are generally more receptive to taking orders from him given their well-established history and bond, which newer stepmothers may not have yet developed with their step-children. This doesn’t imply excluding the stepmothers from the decision-making process.
I have not suggested in this article, or in any of my other articles, that anyone be a doormat. This goes double for stepmothers. I advocate for integrity, respect and collaboration. Families are complex, so getting there sometimes takes a little examination.
I want to be the best step mom ever. How ever i also know that some one has to teach the children to respect the step mom! I will not be the abused step mom! I love my step children with all my heart. I show them every time the walk into this house. They have said and done some very hurtful trhings. I just won't come home fronm work if I'm not going to be treated nice! My mom spent her whole life taking care of 4 step children and loved them as her own. They were disrespectfull untill the day she died and want every thing they can get from her estate. While they treated her like she didn't exsist!
Yes my step daughter age 5 came to our house with a cell phone and a nice tracking devise! Thats so wrong and her mother made her feel like she had to have it around her neck at the play ground! I told her NO infrount of her mom. Thats dangerous she could hang her self. We played the phone game for 3 years. Mom told daughter the last time she brought it that if I took her phone or took the battery out she was in BIG trouble! I kept the battery. She hasn't sent it back.
Margaret, I see your point. What do you do when your husband doesn't know how to set boundaries or frankly doesn't even really care, at least not as much as you, if there are any? I'm curious to see how that one gets handled. My husband is not like that, he does have certain boundaries, some I convince him to set, and some things I have to just let go because I just can't control everything. I compromise. But really, what if hubby doesn't believe in setting any boundaries? Ugh.
One underlying thread I see here in Balsam's article is that it's the husband's duty to lead in parenting and that as stepparents we need to recognize that the children have a mother, need that mother, and by not recognizing that we make things more difficult on ourselves. I totally get that. I've learned that being a stepparent and a control freak do NOT mix. Flexibility and understanding are the only way to make it work.
Thanks for your question, notmommy.
Remarrying parents, especially fathers, are often lax in boundary-setting. This tends to be because they feel guilty over suffering the divorce caused their children.
It's important to keep communicating with one's husband on the importance of boundaries and discipline. Children need clear boundaries. It gives them a sense of safety in their environment, as they know what to expect.
Giving the children free reign results in chaos. That chaos causes more suffering than reasonable boundaries.
For more help establishing a united team and happy family, one can read parenting articles during the remarriage and show the most relevant ones to his or her spouse. One can also join a support group, or if things are really bad, see a therapist specializing in remarriage and stepfamilies.
I have a question – What if we, the SM and DH, are the one who those things are happening to?
I never talk poorly in front of my SD, and always encourage her to express the things taught at her mother's house in our house, then we discuss differences. I think it makes her a more complete person instead of her trying to hide everything because she wants to protect us. That's not her place she should be the CHILD
. However, i feel constantly that both my MIL and the Bio Mom try to create divisions that then SD (and DH and I) has to deal with! It SUCKS. what can i do to stop this insanity? Im about to have my first baby and I want him to grow in a stable HEALTHY environment.
I hear your frustration and my heart goes out to you, your husband and your step daughter. Your step daughter is indeed lucky to have you in her life. It is so toxic to have an ex try to sabotage your relationship and your family. I noticed that exes escalate in their hostility level when the stepmom is about to have a baby. It reactivates for some of them a lot of emotions from the divorce.
You probably know that you can't change anyone. Stay grounded in what you believe, and in who you are. Remind your step daughter that you are adults who are capable of taking care of yourselves. Repeat to her like a broken record that she is the child and that you would like her to enjoy her childhood. Teach her some responses to her mom when she starts putting you down. She can tell her mother that it makes her sad when she doesn't speak kindly of her dad and you. She can ask that she stops, change the subject and ask to be excused to her room.
I hope that helps.
I wish you all the best with your family and your new baby.
I would appreciate hearing how things progress.
c) it's not fair to my stepson to not be taught that different places have different rules of behavior.
? I do believe that it IS fair for a child to be taught this life lesson early on. Differnt places will have different rules. That is LIFE. A well adjusted person will be able to be okay even if the rules varie from place to place. We need to teach our kids this.
The introduction of this article was a bit off-putting. It is written as if the "you" is a jealous, insecure person coming into a marriage with a man who happens to have an ex…
Which is why I felt most of the article was rather patronizing and had I read this about 13 years ago when I met my husband it may have turned me off to the idea of marrying a guy who was second hand goods, so to speak.
Have you written any articles addressing how to deal when it's the bio-parent who is the insecure, jealous one who has trouble dealing with the reality that her ex has moved on and is happy? I'd sure be interested in your advice for dealing with that nightmare…
I am the bio mom, and I am facing all of these issues with my ex's live in girlfriend! They are not even married! She was texting me, what to do or not do with the children, and I told her she needs to mind her own business. I get along super well with my ex. Its funny, because I am in my early 40's, he is 50, and she is in her early 50's, so she is so unbelievably jealous of me and her insecurities of me wanting him back, has created so much havoc in a very amicable divorced situation. She has tried to convince him, that he does not need to pay child support, that she does not want me even coming in the driveway to drop off the children, where he has a key to my house to let the kids in if I'm not there.. we sit down and have coffee, discuss the kids schedules etc..
She will constantly call me the B word in front of my children, and they will tell me about it. If I am discussing something on the phone with my ex and she is coming home he has to run to get off the phone. It is so horrible to me that he is letting this woman undermine our coparenting…
Really at a loss of what to do…
I appreciate this article very much. However, I think some of the implications within your solutions go completely contrary to our (mostly) successful blended family. I cringe at the statement, "stepmom is part of the team, but not it's voice". My husband and I have gone to lengths to create a home where he is the father and I am the mother of the household. This is especially important considering we have child together. Stepparents often are in positions to have to deal with some of the issues regarding discipline, and imparting the results of joint decision making. In fact, I believe that having the biological parent be "the voice" reinforces the concept of the stepparent as other, instead of as a completely valid parental authority. I understand that a new stepparent might have trouble creating a bond and does not have a well-built history, but this can be built, and has to start somewhere. Frankly, I think it is a slow process of integration, but should include both parents as vocal, which prevents either parent from having to take up the position as the villain. Children are very perceptive, and even if the stepparent is vocalizing decent, the child will recognize where the dissent is coming from and if the stepparent is silent, they can also learn to resent the stepparent.
In my opinion, and the way we've put into practice, the world does not revolve around the child. Introducing a stepparent is difficult, but so is introducing a stepkid. During the year we dated before we were married my husband delivered most of the decisions, but once we were married, and I became his stepmother officially, we began to have conversations where each of us expressed our opinions (my husband and I generally had a discussion and came to an agreement beforehand) and delivered the decisions together. Each person brings something different to the table, and a policy of honesty with our child has been crucial in maintaining this. I think as a stepmother you have to be willing to include yourself in the parental team which counts father, mother and now you. All discussions about that child involved all parents, prefixes included.
An issue I have with most of the articuls is that its based off of a previous marriage. My SD was born out of wedlock and the biological parents never got together. BM made sure not to put dad on the birthcertificate and refused visits unless he was "with" her. Her exact words are "your daughter only needs you when your with me, or when she needs money and things" later she got on TANIF and it required a paternity test. After that started we were able to gain joint custody. But BM can still run the show. SD has so many issues, fear, loss, acting out, and forced emotions. I have been with my husband since before this child was born, and now shes 6. I have to make the decisions mostly, because my husband works 6 days a week, we have a child together (3) and SD is SUPPOSE to spend copious amounts of times with us. BM and her boyfriend try everything possible to undermine my husband and I. BM even went as far as to accuse me when I was pregnant that the child wasn't my husbands! When times are good (rarely) BM can be reasonable for short periods of times, but as soon as my husband or I try to do anything with SD, its all hell break loose. I expect to always be involved, yes even in Mediation or Court, because I have always been involved and around since before the child. I know the finances, our family schedule, and any extras that come with being the stay at home mom that my husband would not know. I also am responsible for the brunt of my SD's care while in our home. For anyone to tell me to step back, step out, or go away is not only rude but entirely unreasonable.
I am curious what your insight is on another issue. I have been divorced for 8 years, and with my current partner for 5 years. We have 2 children together, and I have 2 children from my previous marriage. My partner lacks the ability to understand the importance of my attending all of my older childrens events. He feels that the little childen, (his) are the priority. This is causing real trauma, and often leads to fights that end in him telling me it's over if I don't change my ways. I have said that I will not compromise on this, I had children when we met, and this is what it is… Am I acting selfisly by not being willing to negotiate the amount of time I spend supporting my older children with him?
No, you are NOT being unreasonable. All of your children are important and deserve your time. If anything, HE is being unreasonable by suggesting that only "his" kids are important. Incredibly wrong and if he wants to leave, LET HIM! No man has the right to put a mother in that position!!!
I am in need of some outside perspective desperately. I am the stop mom, I have a wonderful 7 yr old ss. I have been in his life since he was 3. I have stepping up as “mom” to him many times when the biomom forgets. My thing is most of the time we can be civil, but when she does not get her way, ( when my husband doesn’t do what she wants), she gets irate and threatens to keep my ss from his father and I. I hold my tongue a lot. But grow tired of being the “doormat” by allowing her to throw these TANTRUMS like a child. How do I civilly solve these problems without stooping down to such a negative behavior? I do not want my ss growing up resenting me or anyone else because he matters the most. But as a human my emotions come out when she provokes them. What are your suggestions?
You are right Jenny, so many step moms put up with a lot of rejection from the bio moms, step children, and sometimes their husbands. Step moms role is so ill defined. I often hear from step moms that they are confused and puzzled as to what their involvement and contribution should be to their step children's lives.It is an ungrateful role to have. Your reward may be your husband's appreciation of your love and caring for his children. The bonus may be if the children (as in your case) are appreciative and respectful of you, and of course love you. It sounds like you are a great step mom. Bio moms feel threatened by a new mother figure in their children's lives, and unfortunately that brings out the worst in them.
I am so sorry Misty that your former husband is allowing his wife to control his relationship with your daughter and you. Co-parenting is challenging enough under the best of circumstances. It becomes so much more complicated with a meddling new spouse who is clearly insensitive to your daughter's needs. You can only control your behavior, not hers or your ex's. Teach your daughter about healthy boundaries between people. Role model to her being assertive, communicating her needs clearly to her dad, and remind her that none of the dysfunction is her fault. Also, you may suggest family therapy for him and your daughter, and a high conflict co-parenting class for him and you. Don't let her impact your happiness. It is really not about you. It is about her, so don't let her define the quality of your life. You may want to consult a stepfamily therapist for specific tools you can develop to help you through this challenging time.