For help with anxiety & depression, visit my general-practice website:
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For help with anxiety & depression, visit my general-practice website:
Therapy in Orange County.
Your step-kids are getting it from all sides, but they’re going to be taking it all out in one place: on you.
They have to deal with their mother’s venom, their father shirking responsibility, and discomfort caused by accommodating you as you enter their lives. In their eyes, you are new, you are strange, you are temporary, and you are disposable.
That can change with time. With some patience, empathy, and clear, consistent boundaries, your step-kids will grow to trust, connect with, and maybe even like you.
But first, you need to size up the situation. Make sure none of the below are going unchecked.
Your husband’s ex feels threatened by a maternal figure entering her children’s life. She fears her children will love you more than her. Being kind, fun, and attractive also contribute to jealousy. She constantly reminds the children that she’s their only real mom. She instructs the children to disobey you, tells them you mean nothing to them, and that soon you’ll leave their father and abandon them too.
Have your husband schedule a family meeting, which will include him, the children, and you.
Express to him in advance to proactively support you. He should be the one running the show.
During the meeting, tell your step-children that you’re glad that they have a bio mom and that you have no intent to replace her or abandon them. However, acknowledge your concerns about her negative statements and express your hope that she’ll stop.
Children feel emotionally abandoned when their father disengages from their daily routine. They blame you for that disengagement, feeling like their dad was better until you came along. Fear that they’re losing their “old†dad makes them resist your attempts at discipline.
Privately validate your husband’s parenting challenges, and offer your support. Establish a joint parenting plan that will be implemented mostly by him. Explain to him that his parenting is crucial to his children’s well being. Refuse to take the main parenting role, by gently reminding him that it’s in his children best interest.
Your stepchildren feel rejected when excluded from your plans. They don’t remember their bio-parents going on date nights. They think you are trying to take dad away from them, and that you don’t like them.
Bio-parent having regular time alone with bio-children helps solidify their relationship. It eases children’s insecurities and fears regarding losing their bio-parent to a new spouse, and establishes boundaries between parents, children, and the new couple. It is much easier for the children to accept the couple relationship when they feel safe and secure in their bond with their bio-parent.
Your stepchildren feel a profound loss when they have to give pets away. They resent you and are angry that they have to give up a pet who is a family member and a source of comfort at troubling times in their lives such as their parents’ divorce.
Pets are part of the family. Be sensitive to your step-children’s bond with their pets. Bio-parent needs to communicate your health concerns to the children, and the options need to be considered together when possible. Some families dedicate an area in the house for the pets, others move the pets to the other bio-parent’s home, and some find a different home for the pets. The emphasis here is on finding a solution that is humane and acceptable to the kids.
A child’s room is his/her ‘castle.’ If you go into their room and go through their stuff, to make sure they’re on the straight and narrow, they’ll be furious and violated.
While ensuring your step-children are making safe, healthy decisions is an otherwise noble cause, enforcing the rules is best left to their biological parent. If you think that they’re up to no good, tell your husband in private, and leave further investigation to him.
Some moms suck.
You may have expressed disgust at her irresponsible attitude, selfishness, or mood swings. Maybe you recommended monitored visits, because she can’t be trusted. You may have even said she needs psychological help.
Apologize. Even if it’s all totally true, don’t harp on about it in front of your step-kids. Keep it between you and their father.
Children see themselves as extensions of their parents. If something’s wrong with her, they’ll see it as something wrong with them. Children need to believe their parents love them; criticizing bio-mom casts doubt on that. They’re also protective of their parents, and may write you off as mean.
Your step-kids have to deal with their biological mother’s resentment, your husband’s inappropriate delegation of responsibility, accommodating you, and potential cases of you having overstepped healthy boundaries.
Understanding that will help you defuse situations and (with time and a little luck) connect with your step-children. That understanding paired with solid communication skills and honesty will help you and your spouse succeed as a couple and a family.
Comments by IntenseDebate
© Yaffa Balsam 2005-2025
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i have lived with their father for over a year and a half now. he and i share a wonderful life together. we only get them every other weekend, but that is too much as poorly and nasty as they treat me. i live a very clean life, they have not come from that and they seem to go out of their way to destroy my home, my family pieces and their dad`s and my relationship. it is impossible to maintain my normal calm nature when they are here, they lie, steal and destroy. i am sure it is at their moms comand, but how much more can i take? any help out there/
reading this makes me feel bad for what i said to my stepmom, im gonna apologize to her
my stepdaughter hates me it’s making me want to leave my husband I can’t take how she acts she lies constantly at 7 years old and he always makes excuses for her he also says mean things to me about thinking I hate his kid his kids ruining my marriage what can I do
Hi Melissa,I hear your frustration, and your concerns about your biological children, stepchildren, and your marriage.You've got it right! The key to the stepfamily success is a united couple with a strategic plan with clear steps, including accountability and transparency.From what you are saying, it sounds like your husband is reluctant to discipline his children.I hear your concern about your younger son. Having Autism is challenging enough. Having a family member who is condescending and shaming hinders your sons progress. Yes, boundaries are crucial to the success of any relationship, but much more so in merging families such as yours.I am offering you a free phone consultation to help you develop a plan to get the family unstuck, and to consider different options.Please let me know if  you would like to schedule your consultation.Warm regards,Yaffa
Hi Katie,I am so very sorry to hear about your rather painful and complex situation.There are multiple issues that need attention. First and foremost is your marriage. It seems to me that you would benefit from marital therapy, preferably with a therapist who understands stepfamily dynamics.Second, you and your husband need to establish enforceable boundaries with your stepchildren, with only him enforcing them. You need to back off a disciplinary role. A stepparent must develop a relationship with the stepchildren before stepping into a disciplinary role. It sounds like your step children are either young adults or older teens. In that case you'll probably never be able to discipline them. It sounds to me that you really care about their well being as well as innocent people who can get hurt.If you haven't healed from the trauma of your accident, I would encourage you to do it with a therapist who is trained in EMDR or Somatic Experiencing. Both methods focus on healing trauma, and most importantly are very effective.It also seems to me that you need help in assessing where you are in life in regards to a career, and independence. Lack of clarity may cause confusion and depression.Help is available! Be proactive in taking care of yourself, Choose to reach out for help in your area.Be well.
Hi Bob,Being ignored, and dismissed is painful, and frustrating. Being a step parent is so much more difficult than being a bio parent. You work real hard at embracing a stepchild, and often get no gratitude or appreciation. Of course the children are victims of their circumstances such as multiple losses as a result of the family transitioning whether through divorce or a death of a parent. It's hard for children to open their hearts again because the backdrop is fear of yet another loss.You didn't mention your wife's behavior when your stepdaughter ignores you. The biological parent plays a major role in how the step child treats a stepparent. Your wife needs to have a private talk with her daughter, emphasizing the importance of being cordial and expressing gratitude. The couple needs to present to the children as united, and air their differences away from the children. It is very possible that your step daughter does love you but doesn't want you to know because that would mean that there is closeness which she doesn't want to admit..Engaging in an activity that she likes on a regular basis, just you and her may help deepen your bond.Assessing if she has grieved her father's death will help shed light on why she's resistant to getting closer to you. Also, telling her that you are not replacing him. Sometimes children are afraid that if they get close to a stepparent following a biological parent's death, they betray  the memory of the parent.Â